Wow. This is a pretty fucking dangerous topic to get into but you know what? If I pussy foot around it then this whole blog becomes pointless.
Alright, I grew up in a country which only recently has developed into a more Urban state, hell my town is still considered a rural town and yes I grew up going through a modicum of corporal punishment. It was the norm because the term ‘child abuse’ wasn’t something that was present in most people’s parenting book. It was more of a ‘how much you did it’ kind of a scenario.
It was actually considered bad parenting if you didn’t smack your kid around the head for doing something stupid. The earliest I remember being physically punished was in my kindergarten years basically one of my earliest memories are of being beaten.
I had picked up something or other that was dropped in the school grounds and brought it home, when my parent saw this they assumed that I had stolen it, so off came the belt and on came the welts of five strikes on my legs.
This was the first of many. One wrong word, slap. One wrong doing, the belt. During this time you would not even think to report such acts to the authorities because the authorities themselves raised their children like this.
When my country became more connected with more advanced countries and the women’s crisis centre started doing something for the women and children who were abused, only then did the punishments stop.
Before then there was free rein. Up until our high school years. I remember being in Form 4 (tenth grade) and I goofed off a little just as classes started after recess. The vice principal happened to be waking passed the classroom and he came to the door. He called me to him and asked me what I was doing. I wasn’t a bad student and mouthing off to teachers wasn’t my thing so I stayed silent and contrite. Next thing I knew there was a burning on my cheek as pain flared up. The slap came out of nowhere and snapped my head to the right. Was this the correct response for my behavior? I don’t know, but as I said; it was the norm.
There was a teacher in my nineth grade class who used to make students stand up, hold the desk and smacked them on the ass with a baton for any transgressions. I remember my fifth grade teacher slapping a kid from one corner of the room to the other all because he couldn’t stop smiling.
We never reported any of it because this behavior was not so different from what we experienced back at home. In fact the ones who did report it to their parents would just be enquired about the reason for the punishment and once discovering the reason, normally an infraction of the rules, the parents would then punish the students even more.
It was only in later years that some parents reported these incidents and the teacher we given a firm talking to but that was as far as it went.
Now to talk about myself. I grew up in this environment and my formative years were spent being talked down to by teacher and parents alike, neglect and belittling, verbal and physical abuse. It wasn’t too bad and I do not need anyone coming to my defense but I know that these experiences made me the person I am today. And it is not a person I like very much.
Looking into the mirror when I choose to dwell on my self I find those hurtful words come back to me more than the physical beatings. Self esteem and confidence is not something I have in droves, this is why I write a blog, not host a YouTube channel. Public speaking terrifies me because I feel like I can never be that good.
In my mind I know that all of these are just my conditioning that I should be able to break out of, but even now if anyone were to read this post and send the authorities to my abusers I would probably defend them because I felt then and I still feel now that I deserved those punishments.
As I said before, this is not an invitation to a pity party and I do not need anyone’s sympathies. All I am saying is that these experiences made me into what I am today and whether I am proud of who I am, do you think that it was necessary for me to become who I am?
I was abused as a child and as a teen, there are no two ways about it. But do you think I would feel as strongly against abusers as I do now if I hadn’t gone through it myself?
I hate domestic abusers and rapists with a passion, especially males and would see them strung from their balls and impaled on their ass by sharp metal rods until they bled to death, but would I actually feel that way if I hadn’t personally witnessed the treatment of one of my parents?
What we go through makes us who we are, for better or for worse. If you were to offer me a chance to go through my childhood abuse free, would I go through with it? I don’t know. I am my parents son and seeing the first hand result of my genes in my abusive parent I can definitely say that if I hadn’t experienced abuse then I might have ended up like him and the thought of that makes me physically ill.
The levels of abuse of some of the teachers in my former school got pretty bad to the point that some were on their last warning, I remember a girl telling me that her friend had been grabbed by the hair and had her head slammed into the black board because she couldn’t complete an equation on the board. That’s things escalated and now a teacher can’t even look angrily at the student lest he report the man or woman and she or he loses their job.
It wasn’t regulated at all before and now it’s micro managed up to Satan’s rectum. The result? The most immature and irresponsible twelfth graders that have ever passed through that schools gates. They know they can get away with anything because the teachers are now their friends.
Is there no happy medium. I speak as a person who has been abused and still experiences problems because of it, parents are afraid to discipline their children because the child could actually inform the authorities that their parent abuses them, then again mutilating your child in the name of discipline is wrong.
The law is clear-cut, to not raise a hand against your child. So take away privileges and benefits, grounding and such stuff. Teachers are supposed to hand out detentions and various tasks to rule breakers, but what about non abusers?
I believe that smacking my one and half-year old nephew lightly on the hand to prevent him from touching that hot frying pan is okay. But does the law agree with me? Is that small smack going to make me end up in jail? According to the law if I don’t prevent him from touching that pan and burning his hand then I am again party to abuse. Where is the line and are we spoiling our children by not disciplining them? Tell me in the comments.
This has been Sacrilege Saturday and one fucked up post.
I do not condone child abuse or abusers, fuck you if you identify as one and fuck off if you follow me and are one!
Please readers all that I have divulged in this post about my personal life was not meant to point a finger at anyone in my life, I do not need people to fight my battles for me, my self-esteem and confidence are slowly but surely growing and I am kinda happy with who I am, even if I am not proud of myself a lot.
I’ll write again soon.